A web designer, online portfolio, XHTML, HTML 5, CSS 3, Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Office, ASP, JavaScript and SQL Server — all in this week’s issue of Clueless Recruiters. (Cue theme music!)

Here’s one I got today from a clueless recruiter. For reference, here is my résumé. Also, please note that the email contained multiple fonts and colors.

[COMPANY NAME] HAS AN OPENING!

[Company] prides itself on being a [blah, blah, exciting description of the recruiting firm, blah.]

[Company] is currently searching for a Web Designer / Graphics Designer for one of our largest clients in [city].

WOW! That’s 2,200 miles from where I live! I’ll bet that this “large client” is going to be one heck of a company!

This is a 1+ year contract with possible yearly renewals; Must have updated Online Portfolio to present with your resume.

“Even though I’ve seen your résumé and know that you’re employed full-time, why not uproot your family during the school year to relocate halfway across the country for a contract gig?”

I’m sure that they offer a really compelling salary, benefits and relocation package!

This resource will provide progressive visual designs for Intranet Redesign effort to assist in introducing improved capabilities to employees for example; Home and subpage designs, Video Portal, and Enterprise Wiki design comps. These comps should present a modern and forward thinking approach while promoting intuitive visual design.

Which resource is this? Oh, me? I see.

Hmmm… since I know you’ve read my résumé and have an idea of how many thousands of developers I support, you still think I should come to this new company to work on an intranet site, where I would work on a homepage and subpages! Isn’t “intuitive” precisely what forward-thinking design is in the first place?

Oh, and you forgot the period that comes after “…improved capabilities to employees”. You’ve ended up with a run-on sentence that doesn’t make grammatical sense with the semi-colon used in that way.

• Will translate information architecture and business requirements into page designs. The pages will be prototyped in Photoshop or XHTML;
• Create working prototypes of applications for use in validating requirements, testing target audiences and training customer support representatives;
• Models will be developed with a combination of XHTML, CSS2, Active Server Pages, SQL databases and JavaScript or dynamic HTML as identified in the approved design and specifications;
• Apply visual design principles in defining page layout, creating images and graphics and implementing visual treatments for fonts, background;
• Graphics and images will be created in standard web formats (gif, jpgs) with consideration for file size and display constraints.

So, wait. I thought that this was going to be one heck of a company. You want me to leave my current position at my current company (which you already know about, since you read my résumé before emailing me) to become a lowly, entry-level code monkey? And with a Microsoft-centric backend, no less?

Technical Requirements:

• Bachelor’s degree (BA/BS) or equivalent experience in Web/Graphic/Media/Digital Design
• Six+ years experience in website design; Experience making there own templates (not just using things like Word Press or Content Management Systems)

Yes, I have these. Also, you misspelled “their” and “WordPress”.

• Must have excellent visual design skills and posses deep understanding of web design principles
• Expert in XHTML, HTML 4 or 5, CSS 3, and good understanding of JavaScript (no coding from scratch, more of moving things into code)

I must be an “expert” in HTML 5 and CSS 3. Heh. Which modules of the CSS 3 spec? And which version of the HTML 5 draft spec? What about the sub-specs that were extracted from the main spec?

• Experience with Photoshop, Dreamweaver and Microsoft Office

Yes folks, Microsoft Office.

I typically pass on candidates who explicitly list Microsoft Office on their résumés, and here’s a company who lists it in their job description. Did they want me to know how to use Acrobat Reader too?

• Must be self-motivating and able to work well with a diverse group of people
• Must have good communication skills, both written and verbal

“Corporate mumbo-jumbo.”

• Must have excellent understanding of web usability and design interaction principles

If I talk to the hiring manager about WCAG and ARIA in the interview, will they know what I’m talking about?

• Experience in designing for mobile a plus
• Online portfolio or links to examples of work (required)

Oh look, a requirement that’s required. Yahtzee!

CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK & DRUG SCREEN WILL BE REQUIRED PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT!

“EVEN THOUGH I’M THE ONE THAT SPAMMED YOU (WHICH IN ITSELF IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY AND A VIOLATION OF U.S. FEDERAL LAW), YOU’D BETTER NOT BE A POT-SMOKING CRIMINAL!”

If interested, please contact [RECRUITER’S NAME IN ALL CAPS] at [phone number]; please email updated resume to [email address]

No, thank you. I’m perfectly happy putting a dent in the universe in my own neck of the woods.