My parodies have always fallen under what the courts call “fair use,” and this one was no different, legally allowing me to record and release it without permission. But it has always been my personal policy to get the consent of the original artist before including my parodies on any album, so of course I will respect Gaga’s wishes. However, given the circumstances, I have no problem with allowing people to hear it online, because I also have a personal policy not to completely waste my stinking time.

Update: Here’s the song, “Perform this Way” on YouTube.

1. All through Elementary, Jr. High, and High School, my teachers would always tell my parents: “Ryan is a bright kid, but he just doesn’t apply himself.” In 6th grade, I was the only kid in G.A.T.E. with an F as a class grade.
2. My first real girlfriend was a girl named Claire, who was really cool. The first time she met my mom was on the way to Taco Bell, and Claire called her “Mom.” My mom still asks me about her from time to time, although Claire and I haven’t spoken since high school.
3. When I was a kid, my mom didn’t want me listening to “Devil’s music,” so I was only able to choose between opera, easy listening, or country. I chose country. I listened to country exclusively until mid-way through my Freshman year of high school when I went to Eric’s house after school. His brother Kevin and cousin Sebastian were listening to a little blue-covered CD with 4 guys standing there with the name “Weezer” along the top. That was the day I became a fan of Alternative.
4. In 1995, my best friends (Eric & Jeff) and I decided to start calling ourselves the U.F.K.S. (which stands for something that starts with “ugly” and ends with “suckers”). It was an inside joke about an inside joke that was satirized by the class clown. Over time it just became UFKS, and doesn’t really stand for anything anymore.
5. My sophomore year in high school, I wrote a story about my then-girlfriend and I breaking up for my English class. I wrote it in a writing binge that started at 9:00pm and went until I finished editing the story around 4:30am. I listened to “The Change” by Garth Brooks on repeat the entire night. I turned the paper in and got an A+. I turned the same paper in in 11th grade and got an A+. Same thing in 12th grade, and again in my first year of college.
6. I met my wife, Sarah, in 11th grade Chemistry class. I gave her a wedgie, she gave me her pager number. True story.
7. I asked the same girl (my long-distance, on-again-off-again romantic interest) to both my Junior and Senior proms. Both times she said yes. Both times she backed out after I’d bought the tickets.
8. When my best friends (Eric & Jeff) graduated from high school, I ran down to the field after the ceremony and wrapped them both in duct tape just for kicks. When I graduated from high school a week later, Eric and Jeff wrapped me and my girlfriend Sarah in duct tape.
9. One of the best things about college was that you didn’t *actually* have to go to class. I used this privilege liberally, and ended up failing all of my classes. Unfortunately, I also did the same thing the following semester, and again the semester after that. I ended up deciding to join the seminary instead. I dropped out of that too.
10. I spent a few months in 2000-2001 in the San Francisco rave scene making candy bracelets and dancing to trance and house music in underground clubs getting hit on by both girls and guys. I met some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met during that phase of my life.
11. Once I was at a party, and had unknowingly taken a hallucinogen. It’s one thing to be young and stupid and decide to get high with your friends. It’s another matter all-together when you find yourself having a conversation with a 6-foot lizard-person with a rainbow for hair, or when you’re talking to someone and suddenly their face morphs into a completely different person, or when you shout “go carpet, go!” and actually mean it.
12. When I was 21, I asked my girlfriend Sarah to marry me. She said yes. A few weeks later Sarah said that she thought she was pregnant. I woke up the next morning and found our roommate, Rick, snorting a line of some blend of speed off the coffee table. Sarah and I packed up and moved back to Morgan Hill that very same day. My little girl changed my entire life.
13. I told one of my best friends that I was going to go back to college and graduate valedictorian. He scoffed at me and didn’t believe I’d even finish. In 2003, I graduated with a B.A. in Design and Visualization with a 3.84 GPA.
14. My daughter, Julianna Grace, was born at the end of 2001. I came up with the name 3 years earlier when I was working at Berean Christian Bookstore in Fresno, CA. Sarah loved the name, so our conversation about what to name The Girl literally lasted all of about 2 minutes.
15. I’ve founded two open-source software projects: SimplePie has now had hundreds of thousands of downloads worldwide, and is considered one of the best pieces of software in its class. Tarzan reached a stable release in November 2008, and has already become a very popular piece of software for leveraging Amazon.com’s pay-as-you-go internet infrastructure services.
16. My son, Matthew Taylor, was born in 2005. His name consists of both my own middle name, and the middle name of Eric — one of my two best friends. We also kicked around Daniel (Jeff’s middle name), but preferred the sound of Matthew instead.
17. In 2006, I co-founded a company with the goal of solving the digital media problem. People were downloading music and movies for free on the internet, and the Media Industry was crying foul. Meanwhile the Media Industry was unsuccessfully trying to apply the old “Content is King” mentality to the internet, and were treating their customers like criminals. WarpShare was born out of our efforts, and will be launching in the next few months.
18. I have an INFJ personality type, which less than 1% of all people on Earth have. – http://bit.ly/SSeR & http://bit.ly/Rt5Y
19. I’ve moved roughly 25 times in my life. 19 of those times have been since Kindergarten. 9 have been since I graduated from High School.
20. I am a very pattern-driven person: I always keep a pen, chapstick, and my keys in one pocket, and my wallet in the other. I only take off my shoes in one of two or three places. I have a left-foot sock and a right-foot sock.
21. I hate wasting my life away. If I’m going to spend part of my life doing something, then I want it to be something I can be proud of. There only a few things I hate more than having to work on a project where I’m not able to make enough of a difference to be able to be proud of what I’ve worked on.
22. If relationships aren’t intense, they’re not worthwhile. Although I have friends, my closest friends are people that I’ve been able to be emotionally close to (as I’m sure is the same for everyone). If I can’t have that, then they’re just people who are in my orbit who I cross paths with from time to time. If you’re not in my daily orbit, call me, because I’ll only occasionally remember to call you.
23. Because I’m able to to do my hobby as a job (usually), I find that I struggle with workaholism. When I’m working on something interesting and my brain is firing on all cylinders, I can zone out for several hours at a time before realizing how much time has passed.
24. I Tivo every single episode of Scrubs that comes on throughout the course of the day, and on most nights I fall asleep watching it.
25. For about a year and a half (May 2007 – November 2008), I was the lead male vocalist for a band called “The 5-Afters.” Mary, Sandy and Ingrid were the lead female vocalists, Nick was our acoustic guitarist, Mike was our electric guitarist, Dave P. was our drummer, Tina was our percussionist, “Guitar David” was our bassist, and Dave K. was our sound guy. I had a lot of fun with those guys, and I’ve missed them terribly since I moved away this past fall.
26. (Bonus) I’ve suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder since I was 16. I’ve never taken any medication for it, but simply understanding *why* I get depressed in the winter (and, conversely, why I have so much energy in the summer) enables me to make adjustments in my life when I start feeling depressed or anxious for no good reason. A by-product of this is “reverse photosensitivity” in that I frequently have all of the lights on when I’m home, my home office desk is in front of a window, and I have a difficult time working in the current WarpShare office (which has no windows).

I already tagged several people on Facebook, so I’m only going to tag a few more here: Geoffrey Sneddon, Ryan McCue, Michael Shipley, Matt Clower, Vada Dean, Ron Bronson, and Christen Dybenko (whom I’ve not met in person, but should seeing as how we live relatively nearby each other).

Doogie, I mean Barney, I mean Neil Patrick Harris plays a fantastic Dr. Horrible, who is trying to get into the “Evil League of Evil!” Nathan Fillon (who played “Captain Mal” on Firefly/Serenity) plays Captain Hammer, the shallow jerk of a superhero who steals the girl (Felicia Day) from Dr. Horrible when she mis-credits Captain Hammer for saving her life from a runaway van.

Anyway, I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s available streamed from DrHorrible.com and also from iTunes (it’s only $4 total for a season pass for all three episodes). Check it out! It’s great!

1. MY LOVE LANGUAGE (FROM THE BOOK “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES”) IS “WORDS OF AFFIRMATION”.

   I used to think it was “Quality Time”, but then I realized that since I never have the opportunity to spend much time with most of my friends, I’d probably be pretty depressed most of the time. More recently I realized it was “Words of Affirmation” as that is how I both express and feel affection, and “Quality Time” is likely my secondary love language because I find that I thrive on close personal relationships with other people.

   I’m definitely NOT “Touch” (it’s likely the last of my 5), although two of my closest friends are. It took me a while to get used to the idea of hugging my best friend, but that’s how he expresses and feels affection. Over time it’s grown on me with him and a few others, but times where somebody touched my shoulder or grabbed my hand for whatever reason have made me feel particularly awkward.

2. I’M THE BIGGEST “CALVIN AND HOBBES” FAN ON THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE PLANET.

   Eric (my BFF — yes, I said BFF) would probably beg to differ, but he’d be wrong. It really is me. C&H changed how I saw the world at a very pivotal point in my life, and I believe it actually made me a better person. I’ve told my kids the very same things that Calvin’s dad told him (“you were unceremoniously dropped down the chimeny by a big, hairy pterodactyl”, “it’s windy because the trees are sneezing”). Besides all of that, I have every C&H book ever produced (except for the complete collection, which I’m hoping to get soon), and I have 15 original C&H comics cut out from the newspaper (16 if you count the one I gave to Eric when I moved away).

3. BETWEEN MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND AT 15 AND MY MARRIAGE AT 21 I’D DATED 12.1 PEOPLE.

   These are the very special ladies who’ve been in my life at one point or another. Chronologically, speaking: Claire S. (May – Oct 1995), Michelle B. (Nov 1995), Heather H. (Feb – Mar 1996), Amber M. (Apr – July 1996), Emily B. (Jun – Aug 1996; we never dated, but we were both interested in each other and we spent a TON of time together over 3 months. This is the 0.1.), Alyssa B. (Oct 1996), Renee T. (Nov 1996), Kristen P. (on and off from Feb 1997 – Nov 1999), Aimee B. (on and off from May 1997 – Aug 1999), Sarah C. (May 1998 – Sept 1998; Mar 1999 – July 1999), Liz S. (Dec 1999 – Mar 2000), Amanda F. (Apr 2000 – Sept 2000), Steph L. (July 2000 – Oct 2000), Sarah C. (again, Nov 2000 – Present).

4. I’M NOT EASILY IMPRESSED, AND I’M FREQUENTLY BORED/DEPRESSED/FEEL ALONE.

   Some people are easily impressed. I’m not. I spend time with some of the smartest, most talented leader-types alive today. It takes more than acting smug when you answer a trivia question correctly to impress me.

   Some people struggle with depression. I’m one of them. People who don’t struggle with depression wonder why we don’t just get over it. If it were really that simple, we wouldn’t be depressed dumbass. For me, I thrive on close relationships with other people I care about, but I live at least an hour away from the people who are closest to me. Because of this (and everybody’s busy schedules), I don’t usually have that emotional need filled… and that can be hard to deal with. My wife and kids fill the wife and kid roles, but that’s not the same thing as the ill-maintained friendships I have. On the other hand, I’m in the process of developing some cool new friendships here in town, so hopefully I won’t feel this way for too much longer.

5. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS AFTER 2:00 AM.

   This is more advice than something about me. I’ve had more than one instance where after 2am my better judgment gets up and walks away while I stick around to make really bad decisions all by myself. I’ve already destroyed one relationship and almost destroyed 2 more because I was left to my own post-2am stupidities. P.S. It gets even worse when alcohol is involved, so I try not to drink much.

6. I HAVE A TECHNICALLY-INCLINED INFJ (INTROVERTED, INTUITING, FEELING, JUDGING) PERSONALITY TYPE. I’M ALSO A TEXTBOOK SCORPIO.

   Here’s a great INFJ description: http://typelogic.com/infj.html. Read the whole thing. It describes me flawlessly. If you don’t feel like reading something else, here’s a snippet:

   INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally “doers” as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

   INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people — a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world.

   On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious “soul mates.” While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent “givers.” As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood — particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

   I’m also a Scorpio in that if you’re cool with me, then I’m cool with you… but don’t dare cross me. It’s been a rare occasion when I’ve unleashed my inner scorpion, but those who’ve felt it know what I’m talking about (of course they’re likely not reading this). In the end, I married a textbook Leo. Sometimes things are fantastic and other times it’s death incarnate.

7. MY MOST SIGNIFICANT EX-GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHDAY, MY WIFE’S BIRTHDAY, AND MY ANNIVERSARY ARE ALL ON THE SAME DATE.
   My most significant pre-marriage relationship was with Kristen P. Turns out that her birthday is the same as my wife’s. We got married on my wife’s 21st birthday. Basically I only have to buy one present, but it has to be a big one. I don’t really talk to Kristen anymore, as that relationship ended up exploding in a fantastically gigantic ball of flames on my 20th birthday and I don’t think she ever wants to speak to me again for the rest of her entire life.
8. I’M PRETTY WELL-BALANCED BETWEEN THE CREATIVE AND THE TECHNICAL.

   For many years I wanted to grow up to be a professional musician. Then in 1997 I got my first computer and discovered web design. Web design was the perfect balance between the creative (design) and the technical (programming). Music, writing, and visual composition are all passions of mine. So are the web and technology. So is usability. I’ve spent the last 10 years focused primarily in the web and growing my skills there. Over the past 2 years I’ve been focused on making technology as human-friendly as possible. Over the past few months I’ve finally gotten back to my music. I’ve got so many ideas for arrangements on some songs I wrote 10-15 years ago, script and production ideas for videos/movies/plays, and I’d love to be able to oversee the use of human-friendly technology to enable people to explore their creative depths. I plan to see these things realized one day, beginning sometime very soon (MFM ~ I’ve got some lyrics for you).

But there is one condition… you have to leave a joke in the comments. And not one of those lame “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes, but a good one.

Alright. Who’s got the first one?

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
10. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
11. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Don’t use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
17. Sing Along at the opera.
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, “Guess”
25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
27. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
28. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do”
29. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”
30. Everytime you see a broom yell “Honey, your mother is here”

First 5 Songs in Shuffle of Entire Music Library

• “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch
• “Third World Think Tank” by Five Iron Frenzy
• “Bitter” by Me’Shell Ndegeocello
• “Something Beautiful” by Cauterize
• “Toob Amplifier” by The Presidents of the United States of America

Current Book You’re Reading (or lightly leafing through)

• “Don’t Make Me Think” by Steve Krug

Last Movie Seen in a Theater and Where

• Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Five People To Whom You’ll Pass This

• Darice
• Eric
• Matt
• Taylor
• Kevin

« Update » It seems that this little “social experiment” has had a tremendously viral effect on the blogosphere. This is worse than ebola! I’m interested in further experimentation. Anyone have any ideas? Anyone game?

Total volume of music on my computer

5887 Songs; 29.13 GB. About 2/3 MP3 and 1/3 AAC. Mostly an ecclectic mix of older stuff like the Beatles, to Alt/Rock, to Ska/Reggae, to Hip-Hop/R&B/Rap, to Country/Folk/Bluegrass, to Classical, to Opera, to Jazz/Swing, to Electronica, to Comedy bits, to Sound Clips from movies.

Last CD I purchased

Well, that gets kinda tricky. It depends on what exactly you mean when you ask that.

1. Purchased at a store? Oof. I think I bought Audioslave’s self-titled debut, Leaving Through the Window by Something Corporate, and By The Way by Red Hot Chili Peppers all at the same time. That was a little over a year ago, I believe.
2. Purchased at iTunes Music Store? Since many of my older CD’s are scratched to all-heck, I recently re-bought Blackhawk’s debut album, L.P. by The Rembrandts, and 7th Avenue by KJ-52.
3. Recently obtained? Well, I’ve recently gotten my hands on Mesmerize by System of a Down, Make Believe by Weezer, Out of Exile by Audioslave, and A User’s Guide To They Might Be Giants. All of which I’m in the process of listening to, and will most likely purchase if they don’t suck.

Playing right now

Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai, from the album Travelling Without Moving.

Oops… song just changed. Now it’s Boyz-N-Tha-Hood by Dynamite Hack, from the album Superfast (which is a honky white boy version of the original by Eazy-E).

Part I: Five songs that mean a lot to me greatest albums of all time.

• The Blue Album by Weezer: My best friend’s older brother was playing this after school one day back in 1994, and it was at that very moment that I decided to ditch listening to Country (which I’d listened to for several years) and make the move to Alternative. Most notable are “The world has turned and left me here”, “Say it ain’t so”, and “Only in dreams”. Hands down, one of the greatest albums of all time.
• Dulcinea by Toad the Wet Sprocket: If listening to Weezer made me switch genres, then this Toad album solidified it. With clever lyrics and fantastic harmonies, this album stands the test of time with me. Most notable are “Fly from Heaven”, “Woodburning”, “Something’s always wrong”, “Stupid”, “Crowing”, and “Windmills”.
• August and Everything After by Counting Crows: The summer of ’96 was the golden age of my high school years. I was in love, I spent insane amounts of time with my two best friends, and I began to discover myself and the man I’d grow to become. One thing that fueled that discovery was an old hand-me-down copy of a CD that debuted 3 years earlier. This album has such a depth of emotion that no other album has been able to match it in terms of connecting with the heart. Most notable are “Round here”, “Mr. Jones”, “Perfect Blue Buildings”, “Anna Begins”, “Sullivan Street”, and “Raining in Baltimore”.
• Much Afraid by Jars of Clay: The Jars of Clay 1995 debut was a fantastic acoustic alternative album. I saw them perform on the Dove Awards show, and went out and bought their CD the next day. However, their 1997 followup was even better than the first. The depth of emotion on this album rivals that of AAEA, but this album reaches further into the soul. I still find myself singing along to the fantastic harmonies on this album. Most notable are “Overjoyed”, “Fade to grey”, “Frail”, “Weighed down”, and “Hymn”.
• Pray For Rain by PFR: Beatles-inspired Alternative Rock at it’s best. This 1992 debut album put the group on the map as one of Christian music’s favorite artists. Far and away the most talented band ever in terms of complete composition of an album. From lyrics to musicianship to harmonies… this album nails everything right on the head. When they broke up in 1996, it had nearly the same emotional impact as when Princess Diana was killed. They came together to release a new album in 2001 called Disappear, but I haven’t heard anything new from them since. Most notable are “You Lord”, “Do you want to know love”, “Didn’t he love them”, “Pray for rain”, and “Stay”.

Part II: Five songs I listen to a lot

• Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down: New song that just rocks out!
• Same In The End by Sublime: A classic that rocks as hard now as it always has.
• Science of Selling Yourself Short by Less Than Jake: All that’s left of third-wave Ska.
• Don’t Stop by San Francisco Trance DJ’s Mars and Mystrë: Takes me back to my short-lived raver days. An infectious cyber-trance anthem by the best DJ’s ever.
• Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy: Awe inspiring. Makes me so thankful that the emotion just overwhelms, and I start bawling like a little girl while I sing this at the top of my lungs.

Five people to whom I am passing the musical baton

• Paul Griffin: Web designer/developer/programmer turned prep cook, Paul and I have collaborrated a bit on a project or two, and I’d be interested in seeing what his musical tastes and interests are.
• Jeremy Flint: It seems that Jeremy was passed the baton overnight, so his list is posted here.
• Cameron Moll: I came across Cameron’s site a while back after he’d linked to me because he was using one of my JavaScripts on his site. After looking at this gorgeous site, I submitted it to the CSS Vault. I’d be interested to see what kind of music he’s into…
• Sharif Ewees: I forget how I came across Sharif… probably around the time of the Multiple IE Revelation. Anyways, I’ve been reading his site ever since, and I’d love to see what he’s into.
• Stijn “Sken” De Meyere: Formerly an English blog, and now written in, um, something else that I can’t read, Sken’s got to have something interesting on his iPod.

• Men ARE not mind readers.
• Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
• If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear IS fine… really.
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, triangle defense, ground rule double, icing, other sports-related topic or cars.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
• Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

…which was rather clever, I thought. As I got towards the bottom of the page however, I began to laugh out loud much to my co-workers’ bewilderment. This is what I read:

It’s an amazing world we live in, isn’t it?

Heads-up: the linked image is a 1.3 MB PNG file.

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle of the road here.

JOHN KERRY

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it.

RALPH NADER

The chicken’s habitat on this side of the road has been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed beneath the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

COLIN POWELL

Now on the left side of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one told me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay , isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to “the other side”. That’s what they call it, “the other side”. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ” the other side”.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. Alone. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. Stay with me, won’t you?

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing the road in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before!

LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the Black Man. The chicken crossed “the road” in order to step on the Black Man and repress him!

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

MACHIAVELLI

Who cares why? The point is, the chicken crossed the road. The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

BILL GATES

I have just released Chicken Coop 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system…

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

AL GORE

I invented the chicken.

COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?

“We want it to be black, but could you not make it so dark?”

“Why do you need the content to design the site. Can’t you just do all the design and leaves blanks and we can pop the stuff it the night before we launch?”

“Hey buddy, give me a call, I have the layout for you but I’m having problems uploading it to the web. I’m using Publisher, I hope you can help me.”

“I need security… I want security on every page… I know about all the deviants who are waiting to, what would you say, HACK into my site and steal credit card numbers… oh speaking of credit card numbers you know that I don’t really want an online store, but I want people to be able to buy things right? don’t give them too much information on the site though or they might go buy from somewhere else”

Send this link to anyone who works in web/print design and has to deal with clients regularly.

Here’s what I got:

Dear Ryan Parman,
If you were a Hobbit, your name would be “Budoc Holeman”
If you were a (male) Man, your name would be “Moddyn”
If you were an Elf, your name would be “Isindil”
If you were a Dwarf, your name would be “Vonus”
If you were an Orc, your name would be “Prulo”
Your nearest Tavern might be called “The Splintered Ego Tavern”
Your sword would be called “Pelcatsil”

Punch in other people’s names too. It’s quite entertaining!

Three DIVs for the design-gods, painting on Macs,
Seven for the usability-lords in their websites of grey,
Nine for Windoze geeks doomed to debug,
One for the Zeldman on his orange page,
In the land of New York where the pundits cry.

One DIV to size them all,
One DIV to pad them,
One DIV to colour them all
And in the browser style them

In the land of W3 where the standards lie…

Hat Tip: Zeldman and Dave

I’ve discovered something particularly interesting about JavaScript, although I doubt it will have any effect on the real world. I’ll post about it next time.

Also, I stumbled across this image the other day. I thought it was funny…

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen something as funny as this on the internet (besides Ebaum’s Epilepsy Test). I thought it was so funny, that I saved a “Shizzolated” copy of my article “Play By The Rules”.

Here’s a snippet:

Yo’ a** don’t throw a baseball down da field fo’ a 50-yard touchdown n’ sh**. Yo’ a** don’t kick a basketball past a goalie score a point n’ sh**. Yo’ a** don’t drive da wrong way in a Nascar race n’ sh**. If yo’ a** wants to create web pages, yo’ a** need follow da rules, know what I’m sayin’?

Could somebody enlighten me? I’m familiar with the American form of “MILF”, but if “the MILF’s demands can never be met”, I’m just wondering what’s going on here…

I got to the bottom of the article, and came across this GIF. Ahhh, web standards…